A dream came true this weekend. And it was all possible because of a God that is mighty, forgiving, powerful, and uses ALL things for His good.
Very recently, I have learned that speaking is not my biggest fear, even though I really thought it was. I actually enjoy it. What I hate is being the center of attention. It's a whole therapy session kind of thing. I have been a dreamer/goal-getter my entire life. I strived, not to be the best, but do my best with everything. And I got attention for it. I didn't ask for the attention, but I did get it. I felt like the "golden child" in the family. You might think that is a good thing, but ask any golden child if it really is. It was thrown in my face during arguments and I always felt like I was being talked about, or someone was waiting around for my failure to mock me later for it. It wasn't fun... but it didn't change who I was. I was a goal getter at heart. For one- it made my grandma proud and I would have done anything to make her proud. And two- that's just who I am. I wanted more for myself and I knew there was only one way to do it...work for it. Then, once I achieve what I accomplished, I would downplay the achievement and never speak of it. That's what I have always done.
Becoming an author, and now speaking has been....hard. It's me being on centerstage again and it is my least favorite place to be. I feel like there is someone waiting for me to mess up or call me a phony or just roll their eyes for my stupid achievement. It's a whole thing that crushes my insides and makes me want to give it all up.
But yesterday I had a thought that changed everything that I felt. This whole author thing, and definitely the speaking thing is putting me right in the center of attention. As much as I hate it because of the "glory", I paid a hefty price to be here. I didn't write an easy story to read. I didn't even write an easy story to WRITE. I wrote about my hurts and struggles and secrets that I could have easily taken to the grave with me. We all have secrets, every single one of us. We all have the parts of us that we want no one to see. And that's totally normal. I decided to write about all of mine. Well, I didn't just decide. I felt a calling to write all of mine and for the first time in my life, I was obedient to that full calling. I wrote it all. Now there is no part of me that's hidden anymore, and while that is freeing, it is also very vulnerable.
All that to say, I decided I am going to be proud. I'm going to soak in the glory of the moment a little bit. I paid the price to enjoy the glory. I had a fear of being stuck up if I ever got successful, but now that thought makes me laugh. I don't know, I'm sure it is possible, but for me, it seems impossible to be stuck up when I have to have this much humility to stand on stage and say the hard stuff out loud.
I am thankful for this dream coming true. I am so grateful that I have been given this opportunity to write books and have people actually read them. I am so thankful that I was asked to speak on stage. I will never take these moments for granted. It has been a tough road getting here, mostly jumping through my own hurdles of doubt and self-sabotage. But I finally made it...and I am going to bask in the glory of having my dreams come true.
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